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Tough new clean truck regulations endanger Christmas.
It’s hard to find anyone who doesn’t want to be ‘greener’ for the good of our planet; that includes Santa. There are a number of steps being taken by the government to try and make us all greener. Washington is busy looking to the transportation industry, which includes Santa and his reindeer transporting all those toys, to do its’ part by government mandated use of alternative fuels like biodiesel. There’s a caveat to the Santa’s wish to green up; he wants to be green but not bankrupt.
The Fed is singling out Santa Claus as a prime target for getting his act cleaned up. During testing it was confirmed that Santa’s transportation system (sleigh and reindeer) gives off an unacceptable amount of methane gas which is known to aid global warming. Authorities also stated Santa himself added to the methane problem to a “significant degree” and would have to have a medical approval certificate to continue to drive his sleigh and deliver toys to the children. Government officials also criticized Santa for feeding his reindeer corn that could otherwise be used to make ethanol based fuel products.
In an interview on the popular TV show ‘The View’ with Barbara, Whoopi, and the rest of the gang, Santa explained replacing his beloved reindeer with a biodiesel burning vehicle is not a current goal. Santa claimed, as he was being over spoken by his hosts, that finding a clean burning vehicle capable traveling the millions of miles and making the countless stops at children’s homes around the world is not possible even if affordable. The situation further deteriorated on the set of The View when Santa stated ethanol based fuels were a bad idea, have never worked well, and just mess up his weed-whacker motor. By this time the set of The View had turned into a hysterical argument. Two of the hosts had already walked off the set screaming Santa’s elves were ‘little prisoners’ and Santa was covered with fake animal blood over his best fur Santa suit. Barbara Walters, unable to control her fellow hosts, finally gave up leaving the set when Santa let out a defensive methane burst.
Neither camp could be reached, or returned calls, from media inquiries as to whether Santa would return to the show. In a later interview with media, Santa, wearing a new red fur Santa suit, said it was unfortunate the ‘View’ interview had gone so poorly and he would be canceling his appearance on the Rosie O’Donnell show due to scheduling conflicts.
In making our population greener there will be winners and there will be losers. In looking at the unfolding regulations and initiatives it appears Santa and consumers wallets will not fare well through the greening up process of our country. In the case of the consumer’s wallet, get ready to pay higher prices to support higher costs of transport of the goods you receive from Santa. As it was announced shortly after Santa’s appearance on The View, Santa, as a result of a plea bargain with the Fed, has signed a multi-year contract with Google. Sources tell us the contract calls for year round delivery of Santa’s toys to children everywhere using ‘Google camera cars’ as the delivery vehicles. As a part of the deal Google maintains all rights to pictures of the excited children’s little faces.
Santa will continue to keep his reindeer for ceremonial appearances only. Also announced by a government spokesperson, the little people once known as Santa’s elves have been removed from the North Pole and are in the process of being transferred to foster care families throughout the nation. Opponents point out that the former elves are not U.S. citizens and must be returned to their home at the North Pole. Pending a Congressional investigation, most experts on the case forecast the collection of former elves will be assisted by various government agencies and given full Social Security benefits to enable the former elves to lead normal little people lives in the U.S.
